Missing People.

I spend more time missing people than being with people i care about and I think that's why I had a dark cloud hanging over me this weekend

getting there.

my brain and

heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was

to blame about

how big of a mess

I have become

eventually,

they couldn't be 

in the same room

with each other 

now my head and heart 

share custody of me

I stay with my brain 

during the week

and my heart 

gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

 

    - instead, they give me

the same note to pass

to each other every week 

and their notes they

send to one another always 

says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"

on Sundays

my heart complains

about how my 

head has let me down

in the past

and on Wednesday

my head lists all

of the times my 

heart has screwed

things up for me 

in the future

they blame each

other for the 

state of my life

there's been a lot

of yelling - and crying

so,

    lately, I've been

spending a lot of 

time with my gut

who serves as my

unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the

window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine

and collapse on my 

gut's plush leather chair

that's always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit

until the sun comes up

last evening, 

my gut asked me

if I was having a hard

time being caught 

between my heart

and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know

if I could live with 

either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about

something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried

about something that may happen tomorrow," 

I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with

my mistakes of the past

or my anxiety about the future,"

I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

"in that case, 

you should 

go stay with your 

lungs for a while,"

I was confused

  - the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about

your heart's obsession with

the fixed past and your mind's focus

on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs

there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath

you can rest while your

heart and head work 

their relationship out."

this morning,

while my brain

was busy reading

tea leaves

and while my

heart was staring

at old photographs 

I packed a little

bag and walked

to the door of 

my lungs

before I could even knock

she opened the door

with a smile and as

a gust of air embraced me

she said

"what took you so long?"

Beautiful words by John Roedel (johnroedel.com)

Via Earthmonk

14feet three inches

The Journey.

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.

-Mary Oliver 

July 4, 2014.

Hooked great white shark bites swimmer off Manhattan Beach on busy July 4th weekend

"Lifeguards were keeping an eye on beach goers Saturday afternoon in Manhattan Beach as the waters were closed following a shark bite on a swimmer." - Daily Breeze

The shark bite happened on the 5th, the day after we were there at the exact same spot, and by that I mean EXACT! 840 miles of coastline in this state and we are within hours and inches of a shark attack.  We started our day in Hermosa Beach but ended up at Manhattan.  Wyatt spent the entire afternoon in the water and he went out so far that I lost track of him plenty of times. We didn't see the news until Sunday morning and it completely freaked me out.   Wyatt didn't seem to be all that bothered by it.

We planned to find a beach where we could see fireworks shows but ended up leaving about 7 pm for poor planning and dumb lack of food.  We had to walk uphill to get back to the place on the street where our bus (that only comes every half-hour) would pick us up.  Sarah and Tony saw the bus and started running towards it as it was pulling away.  Sarah made it to the bus first and we all followed running at our best beach chairs on our backs, arms full of beach crap pace.  When she got to the bus, she started to get on and the doors closed in front of her.  Someone on the bus must have alerted the driver and the doors reopened and Sarah and then Tony hopped on.  Thankfully that bus driver waited and we all got on.  Eva was so pooped that she didn't ever realize that she had the chair strapped to her back for the entire 20 minute ride. We were so relieved, and so breathless that we laughed our sweaty selves to pieces and didn't even pretend that we weren't ridiculous.   Including  Emily, who would be mortified if she thought anyone knew she might enjoy a silly moment with her family.  We ended up having pizza delivered to our hotel and watched three pretty far away but spectacular fireworks shows from our hotel room balcony.

We also spent a day at Universal Studios Hollywood, a first for all of us.  On our third day we visited UCLA and USC.  Summer 2014 mini-vacation attempt #1 = success!

My boy. January 11, 2014.

Saturday. Basketball game. Haircut. Starbucks. He likes the peppermint hot chocolate. He is ten years old for two more months. He is so much fun to hang out with.

He is smart, goofy, intense, playful, compassionate, generous, and more awesome things. His sisters drive him crazy. He drives his sisters crazy. Though in all of the craziness I can tell that he will be a strong force in their lives always. He has a shadow and her name is Eva.

I can still see the scar from the time the bathroom faucet tore into his head, just above his left eye. Technically, his eyes are brown but you have never seen his brown before. He has this citrine smoky quartz crystal color variation that, when he engages you, is hard to look away from.

He is adorable.

He still lets me hold his hand in public places. He tells me that this will never end, but I know it will. He has fat little boy hands. You might not say that, but I have three other children with skinny little girl hands. I love those hands. I am proud of those hands. He works hard and plays hard with those fat, boy hands.

He loves sports. He is athletic. He has boundless energy. He is a team player, you'd want him on your team. Just this morning I complimented him on his great passing instincts in basketball. He shares. He throws his share of baskets too. This isn't to say he isn't a gamer. He is a gamer. He loves his Xbox, and whatever else he can get his chunky hands on. He would like to be more of a gamer but I make it my job that that he isn't. I throw him to the curb for basketball with the neighbor kids at every opportunity.

He is a 5th grader, he does well in school. I am proud of him. He speaks two languages. He is responsible but often, he occasionally needs a little push. He has been in trouble at school only a few times. He doesn't like to be pushed or threatened or for you to cut in front of him in the tetherball line. He is a loyal friend. He values his friendships in a sincere ten year old boy way. 

He is a loving son. The deepest part of my heart is full up with his goodness and his mischievousness and his love. He becomes very affectionate at bedtime. He is an early to bed early to rise kind of guy. At bedtime his affection for me flows out like a river and I do my very best to return every sweet sentiment with one equally grand, though he insists it's not possible and laughs sweetly, knowingly, when I say yes it is. I know that this too will end, too soon. The ebb of life gives and takes away again. But, I'll remember. He won't always be little, but he will always be my boy. And he will always be awesome.

December 31, 2013.

Happy New Year! Someone please tell me where does the time go?

It's the last day of the year and  I am sitting in my kitchen with the light of my life, Eva Liliana and she wants you to know that she had the best time ice skating on Christmas day. We have the extreme good fortune of having an ice skating rink this year less than a mile from our house!

I didn't get Christmas cards out this year. We rushed an attempt for a family photo on the 15th but I was uninspired and didn't get further than the photo taking part. This one is my favorite. I push the button, I race to be in the photo, we smile. Wyatt suddenly had the urge to straighten my collar and my face is a mess because I think that his motions will spoil the great photo. Ironically, everyone else looks perfect and I am the sad, crazy mom in the middle. Wyatt does look slightly chastened however, and I am sorry for that.

Here is the one that I should have used. Merry Christmas!

And since I am months behind, Happy Thanksgiving! We went to Renee's again this year and it was a lot of fun. Mom and Jim love their football pools and Tony and I both won a quarter! I am deeply thankful for my family and so grateful for the times we spend together. Renee and I took the kids for a very long walk after dinner and we had to be rescued by Chris in his pickup truck because it got cold and dark, Emily and Allie rode in the bed of the truck on the way home. We are such law breakers. Funny how that was such a normal thing to do when I was a kid.

I am sad to see 2013 go. I always get emotional on this day. I am more sad for the year to end than happy to receive a new one. 2013 gave us many good things along with some very hard and challenging and sad things. I hope I can be strong for whatever 2014 brings. And joyful too.

September 2013.

Fall!  I love you! 

September!  You are not my favorite.

October please hurry!

The ninth month is just too hyper, it wants to be everything and hold everything.  It's greedy that way.  But...it did give me two of the four loveliest gifts of my life so I have to forgive it a little for being so pushy.

I peaked about a month ago with my trying to run but mostly walking fast.  I got sick at the beginning of the month.  Oh, thank you September I needed that in no way!  That little setback slowed me down tremendously.  Since then I am better but have lost a bit of my motivation.  I am super worried too because I know me and cold weather.  I like the cold weather if I can mostly be indoors with it, experience it in short intervals. Definitely not any interval long enough to give me a cold ear headache.  I'm a wimp, one who should look into wearing ear wraps I guess.    I'm feeling really good though overall. The exercise, and diet modifications I have been faithful to since January, are paying off.

Eva is playing soccer for the first time, her first sport actually. Wyatt is playing baseball and soccer.  Emily and Sarah are both playing volleyball for their schools.  The most joy I can find is when I seat myself at one of their games.  They are getting into the swing of things with school now, though they still grieve for summer every Monday morning.

September isn't really so bad. We're heading into a more manageable time.  I need more manageable because my babies aren't babies anymore, and I'll admit that sometimes do, but I really don't want to wish it away or dream it's over.

I had problems with my camera on the first day of school and ended up with lots of blurry photos, only two or three that I could keep.  I was in manual mode and thought I was in auto focus but couldn't tell at the time because I didn't have my glasses on!  Oh well, first day of school photos are overrated right?  I had to tell myself that, and to stay out of auto focus mode personally speaking, so I don't continue to take so much of this life for granted. 

I think October is going to help me be better at that.

Progress for me.

I am up to 3.4 miles, three times a week.  Really!

I'm slow but I'm getting it done and it feels good.  I decided to go out on the street with this, I go early, about 6 a.m. and there is very little traffic which is key for me.  I wear basically the same clothes over and over so I don't really have to think about my wardrobe and when I pass another person I just read their lips, smile and wave.  Kicking my silly roadblocks and  fears in the ass I am!  (Don't ever forget that I told you I was a dork from the start, this is not new so don't act like you didn't know).

I officially started June 1st, so I am about six weeks into it.  I downloaded an app called Zombies, Run!  and it's the best $1.99 I have ever spent.  It's a story and as it goes along you have instructions on how long to walk, when to run, and when to do other drills.  The whole time my own music is playing and when the narrator or another character comes in to talk (in all kinds of fun and different English dialects), my music volume is turned down automatically.  It's fun, it's motivating me, and it keeps all my stats so I can look up my progress on the computer when I'm done. I sometimes repeat missions when I am not ready to move on or when I feel particularly sluggish, so I am still on week four but I like that, I need more time.  I'm not sure what I am working towards but it just feels right for now. Here is what the computer sync tells me.

July2013

• 5 runs
• 16.06     mi distance
• 1485      calories
• 4:07:11  time

July's Logs

Date		Mission	Dist	Time	Pace	Calories
Today	6:33 AM	S1-B11: Week 4, Workout 2	3.39 mi	49:40	14:39 min/mi	331
Wed 10th	6:03 AM	S1-B10: Week 4, Workout 1	3.01 mi	55:56	18:36 min/mi	240
Mon 8th	6:26 AM	S1-B9: Week 3, Workout 3	3.27 mi	46:12	14:09 min/mi	322
Sat 6th	7:19 AM	S1-B8: Week 3, Workout 2	3.26 mi	47:30	14:34 min/mi	323
Tue 2nd	5:55 AM	S1-B8: Week 3, Workout 2	3.14 mi	47:53	15:15 min/mi	269

I didn't think I would go for a  zombie themed app but after watching the first two seasons of The Walking Dead on Netflix, I was totally up for it and so glad I gave it a shot!  Goes to show you, you never know where inspiration is going to come from.

I spend a good amount of time tweaking my zombie playlist, here's my current one.

Don’t You Worry Child – Swedish House Mafia
Daylight – Maroon 5
I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ – Scissor Sisters
Brick House – The Commodores
Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas
Jerk It – Thunderheist
Jump – Kris Kross
DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love - Usher
Heads Will Roll – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Girl On Fire – Alicia Keyes
Closing Time - Semisonic
Everybody Knows – John Legend

By the way, I am now six months without eating meat and I'm feeling fine. So there is my update!  I did it!  I'm moving now and I'm not stopping!

Boys of summer.

My boy Wyatt is playing in a summer wood bat league and my nephew Josue just finished up his season on the city All Star team.  Josue is six weeks younger than Emily, so I have pretty much watched him grow since day one.  He and Emily have always been close.  We have two high schools in town and they don't go to school together but I really wish they did. Now that they are deep in the midst of teendom, they awkwardly avoid each other in all but the most intimate family gatherings, but I know that will pass and they will always have a special connection.   I didn't get to grow up with my Josue,  Emily is luckier than she knows.

This kid is a rockstar in our world of baseball and also in school.  He has amazing parents and he is just an all around awesome kid. 

I am so proud of Wyatt, he works really hard and he plays really hard!  Just look how serious he is. 

It doesn't get much better than getting out there and watching your kid or your nephew play this game. I love it!